Over the Wine

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we’ll find

– “Born”, Over the Rhine

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My wife and I recently enjoyed a few days in Chicago celebrating our 30th anniversary (we married VERY young, of course). We had a great time, but removing us from our ‘native environment’ of work and children and schedules and deadlines and the rest showed us that though we still are deeply in love with one another, we may have forgotten how to really talk with one another. And talking (to, not at, one another), I am convinced, is one of the keys to a deep and meaningful relationship. So, the trip was a good reminder of some important things that we should seek to nourish between us.

The importance of maintaining a deep conversational relationship is captured in the experience of the husband and wife musical duo Over the Rhine (whose music I love). The husband, Linford Detweiler, tells the story this way:

A few months into our national tour, Karin and I realized that although good things were happening with our music, there was just very little energy or creativity or time left over for our marriage, and it was taking a toll on us. I think we had to learn that putting a long-term relationship on autopilot indefinitely can be dangerous if not fatal. We decided we had to pull the plug on the tour and go home and figure out if being together was something we were still committed to.

We opted to start over, reinvent our own relationship, dig deep and do the homework to see if we could make our marriage sing. We decided to redirect the same thought and energy, that we had been putting into writing and performing, toward our life at home together. We prayed a lot. Our friends prayed a lot. It was the beginning of a wonderful new chapter for us. And hopefully, some of what we’ve learned has not only made us better people, but better songwriters as well.

(The emphasis is mine.)

One of the methods they used to connect is reflected in Detweiler’s notes regarding their song ‘Born‘:

When we came home from the tour, we bought two cases of wine and decided we were going to put a bottle on the kitchen table every evening and start talking until nothing was left. The idea was not to get piss-drunk, but to talk face to face deep into the night.

I cannot imagine what the implications might have been for a popular band to cancel a tour. I’m sure it was costly for them. But I find it rare that couples are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to address the deep issues that are affecting them. There is a good model for us here.

* * * * *

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear

(By the way – clicking here will take you to a site where you can listen to the song.)

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