Every month or two, I write a column for the religion pages of the local newspaper. Geoff and I see this both as free advertising as well as an opportunity to share some thoughts creatively with both people who read the religion pages. (Actually, we think readership is much better than that. Perhaps as many as a DOZEN on any given Saturday.)

Honestly, we appreciate the opportunity. The editor who oversees this is becoming a friend of mine, and I like that.

For this week’s article, I wanted to move away from the heavy and the serious and be a bit more light-hearted. The result was the column pasted below.

But here is the thing: I don’t have to submit this until tomorrow (Wednesday, July 11). Until then, I am posting this here in order to get input and help! Any suggestions any of you want to make before this article goes to press? I’d love to hear them.

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America’s Next Great Reality TV Show

I heard today that in anticipation of a writers’ strike TV producers are ordering up a new batch of reality shows which do not depend as heavily or at all upon writers.

Here is the chance the church has been waiting for. I propose we push for a new reality series, “America’s Next Great Missionary.” Why not? It could have all the elements of “Survivor,” “American Idol,” and “Fear Factor” all mixed into one.

The show would begin with auditions set in major venues around the country: Wheaton, Illinois; Colorado Springs, Colorado, and, of course, Orlando, Florida. The hosts, who have yet to be named, will sit behind tables and review video of the Next Great Missionary aspirants working their way through a tough series of challenges under the watch of hidden cameras.

After completing this round of tests, each candidate must stand before the hosts and listen to an honest assessment – spoken in love, of course – and a judgment that will advance or eliminate them. They can expect to hear responses like this:

“Whoa, Alice, you did well on the ‘share-the-gospel-on-an-airplane-ride’ challenge and we were impressed with how quickly you put together the ‘how-to-appeal-for-money-without-seeming-to-do-so’ event. But we are going to have to send you away. Your iPod and your tattoo just don’t pass the muster of missionary standards. And those shorts? Way too short. You can never wear those and be a missionary.”

or this:

“Jack, Jack, Jack. What kind of awful attempt was that in the ‘witness-to-the-native’ test? My boy, you spent 45 minutes talking to that guy at Starbucks and you never ONCE mentioned Jesus? All you did was ask him questions about what HE believed. You are definitely going home. We don’t care that you ate more locusts than anyone else.”

Eventually, twelve clean cut promising candidates will be chosen and brought to Los Angeles for the final taping and selection process. They will be given tasks to perform as teams and they will be interviewed and observed individually. People from around the country will be able to call in and vote for their favorite candidates.

Team tasks will include developing campaigns to reach entire cities for Jesus. If, for example, in this competition one ditches the idea of a billboard campaign in favor of blending works of mercy among the poor with gospel proclamation, the worldwide television audience could show how foolish this is by voting them off the show.

The interviews will focus upon why the candidates believe themselves qualified for the crown of America’s Next Great Missionary. As well, they will be asked where they think their formidable missionary gifts would best be used. A number of candidates can be expected to stumble at this point, giving vague answers like “wherever God would through His church send me” or by mentioning fields and peoples no one has ever heard of. Such answers reveal a sad lack of conviction and fund raising savvy, all of which must be a part of any missionary’s tool bag.

Finally, the field will be narrowed to two candidates who will compete in a final showdown. Each will be required to put together a fund raising appeal. Viewers will call in support, and the one generating the greatest donations will be declared America’s Next Great Missionary – and sent to the field.

We think we have a winning show here. Not buying it? Well, then, let me tell you about “America’s Funniest Preacher Goofs….”