Month: May 2007 Page 1 of 2

My previous post pleads for some clarification, and so I will oblige it with three quick comments:

1) My plea is that couples commit to nurture and care of their relationship. I want couples to enjoy their long term relationship, not just endure it. The goal is to end together and happy, not just together.

2) I am not underestimating the difficulty of this. I know that some men and some women are in marriages in which the challenges are great. I understand this, and I honor those who work hard and faithfully in those marriages, and I pray for them. It can and often is tough. My desire is to encourage couples young to not live off the fumes of romantic notions, but to work to build a lasting joy in their marriage.

3) I know that I can only keep my vows by the measure of God’s grace given to me. It must be done, but I’ve got to seek his grace to persevere. And, truth be told, Barb needs more grace in this than I.

I’ve wondered over the years, “If Barb were in a devastatingly awful accident of some type which left her maimed for life or, worse, with a severe shift in personality, would I stay with her?”

For nearly 29 years, Barb has made commitment easy for me. God has given to me a wife who is loving and lovable, forgiving and hard to stay mad at. He has given me someone who endures my weakness and supports my strengths. She is fun to be with and given some spare time, I’d rather be with her than with anyone else.

So I know that this question, while academic for me at this point, is a constant companion for some people. “Should I stay with this woman/man? I don’t think I can endure the way he/she has become.” But even though at this point the answer to the question is easy for me, the answer for every married couple must be the same: I will stay.

Putting aside the more severe realities in which divorce may not only be necessary, but preferred (abuse, ongoing sexual infidelity, desertion) and considering the more common and everyday marital struggles (which sometimes precipitate the severe), we have to say and embrace the conviction that divorce is never an option.

Opting out is not an option once one has opted in.

Maybe we were naive, but when Barb and I were engaged we said to each other that upon our marriage, divorce would never be an option. No matter what, we said in our innocence, we would do what is necessary to make the marriage work.

Yes, we were naive. No courting or newly married couple has a clue regarding the kinds of pressures and challenges marriage brings. And yet I am convinced that embracing the conviction that divorce is not an option has forced us to deal with problems earlier and more swiftly than we would have otherwise.

It is like a guy who has a car. If he means to keep that car for a long time, he will deal with every minor repair issue in a hurry to keep the problem from escalating. By contrast, if he intends to trade the car in soon, he’ll put a temporary fix on it. If he’s renting the car, he ignores the problem.

Guys — your marriage is the car you intend to keep.

I am not a fan of couples writing their own marriage vows. I am a fan of couples now and then revisiting the traditional marriage vows and considering what they mean. Reflect on this:

I, __________ take you, __________, to be my wedded wife; and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses; to be thy loving and faithful husband; for better for worse, in plenty and in want; in joy and in sorrow; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.

For better or for worse? In sickness and in health? These are not multiple choice options. We vow before God and witnesses to keep one another ‘as long as we both shall live’.

Divorce is not an option. I’m not renting a wife. I’m keeping her for a long time. I suppose my question is already answered for me. I answered it 29 years ago.

A girl is someone who will spend valuable money and significant time on a beautiful dress that looks lovely on her, only to then cover it up with a graduation gown. One more item in that list of things that I cannot and never will understand.

On December 11, 1989, the Greenwald family welcomed a new member and named her Hannah. She did not come into her family ‘in the usual way’ as most of you know. She came already four months old and ready to run our lives. Friends would wonder at the pale people who seemed to always accompany her. “Are those your parents?” She was neither white, nor black, but, as she loved to say, “a lightly toasted marshmallow.”

Over the years she grew, and struggled under the loving care and foolish foibles of her clueless parents. In time, God has had his way with her, preserving her and developing her into a lovely and gifted young woman of 17 ready, now, it seems, to run the world. How wonderfully God has blessed us.

Tonight, she graduates from high school.

People look back and say, “The time has gone so quickly.” We all know that time is relentless and even in its pace. It has not gone quickly. We have simply let too much of it pass by without notice and reflection. Hannah has emerged from the shadows of her older siblings and from the halls of time with the talents and personality given to her by her God. We continue to pray as we always have that our God would be her God, and that she would be enraptured with his love.

Hannah, we love you, and thank God for you in ways more deep than you can imagine. Congratulations on this milestone.

One of the most profound privileges that God in his kind providence has given to me in my years of ministry here has been that of coming to know and to love the man pictured here. Bill Mills is the president of Leadership Resources, International, a conference and training ministry based out of the Chicago area. Bill has a deep love for Christ, a profound grasp of the big picture of Scripture, and a passion for God and his church. He has had the opportunity to share that passion with Hope Church a number of times over the years, and all who have been under his ministry have found it to be deeply moving.

We will have this opportunity again this Fall as Bill leads for us a one day conference on Sunday, September 23.

I had the privilege a few weeks ago of seeing Bill and having lunch with him. It was, as always, an extremely encouraging time. To give those of you who might not know Bill an insight into his heart, I would like to share with you a brief excerpt from a note that Bill sent to me afterwards.

I think what amazed me most as we sat and talked together was the process that God’s taken us both through over many years with our ministry relationships, our circumstances and our children to shape us for who He desires us to be and serve Him the way He has called us to serve. I think that one of the “attributes” of God that I’ve learned over the last several years is that He is absolutely relentless! More and more I’m convinced that He is far more concerned about who we become than what we accomplish. It’s good to be in that process in our Father’s sovereign timing and in His care as well.

Do plan if at all possible to be with us on September 23. We will share more details later.

I’ve had people come to me personally and speak about how they have struggled with Mother’s Day at times in their lives. That is why the last post. I tend to be a bit down on all Hallmark Holidays. Renee, with whom I’ve worked for over a dozen years and who is a dear friend, notes every year when I ignore (purposefully) what used to be called ‘Secretary’s Day’ and then became ‘Administrative Assistant’s Day’ and is now who knows what. I hope she hears me speak my appreciation and acknowledge her contribution many times during the year, unprogrammed and uncoerced.

Adri Espino moved from what I said to some memories of her own which I found insightful. She granted me permission to share it with you all. Thanks, Adri.

Those we love and honor should be celebrated every day. I’m reminded of something seen in The National Observer [no longer in existence] 30+ years ago. My dad was visiting and pointed it out to me; I have no idea who authored the article. The subject was special days e.g. mother’s day, father’s day et al. The quotation goes something like this: “Happy families don’t need them and miserable families can’t use them.” I find profound wisdom in that thought.

Worth thinking about.

Wait!

Before you start throwing things or sending off letters calling for my investigation by the FBI, FCC, FAA, CIA, or IRS, and before you organize rallies to burn me in effigy, hear me out.

I am not against mothers. Just because wounded men on the battlefield cry out for their mommies and not their daddies, I am not bitter. I am not grumbling that the standard of purity in our culture is ‘Mom and apple pie’ instead of ‘Dad and apple pie.’ I can deal with those things.

However, if I’m not mistaken, there is a certain proportion of otherwise good and kind members of our population who would agree totally, though secretly, with the statement written above, that Mother’s Day stinks.

An analogy may help here. A good friend of my son is a young single female. Now, while she might not be so blunt as to say that Valentine’s Day stinks, she has adopted an alternative name for the day. In her mind, Valentine’s Day, the day of love and relationship and connection is rather known as Single’s Awareness Day (S.A.D.). To those longing for a relationship, the day only draws attention to the fact that they are alone. It is not a day to look forward to.

The same logic impacts Mother’s Day. It is a great day to celebrate the sacrifice and love and affection that we have received from our mothers – the very thing that leads soldiers to cry out for their mothers. We ought to find everyway possible to honor our mothers.

But as well on that day, the very effort we make to single out mothers has the corresponding effect of singling out those who are NOT mothers. If we ask, as is done in some churches, for all the mothers to stand, we have effectively recognized all of those who are not mothers. They are the ones still sitting.

Among those sitting is the young married woman who for five years has been trying to conceive a child and has been unable to do so. Mother’s Day sadly reminds her in a public way of the deep hurt she carries with her every day.

Sitting there as well is the mother who has lost a child to disease or violence or miscarriage. Perhaps this was her only child. The day heightens her pain and emphasizes her loss. Few of us can imagine the pain that brings.

There are also among us women who have conceived a child in unfavorable circumstances. Courageously fighting against the flow of our culture, they choose to give that child life and to place it in an adoptive family that is able to fully care for it. But on Mother’s day they are reminded of the difficulty of that choice and the emptiness of what might have been.

For these, and others like them, Mother’s Day, well, stinks. And I feel for them. I hope you do to.

We ought to honor mothers. All I ask is that we be sensitive in how we do so. Take care that you do not single out those for whom the day is agony by isolating them from those to whom God has given a family. Pursue privately those for whom the day bears a special pain and give them a hug or a card or a word of love and encouragement. And as you pray for your mothers, pray for those for whom motherhood is at present only a distant dream or a distant memory.

To be so thoughtful of others is, or should be, well, as ‘American as dad and cherry pie.’

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The above was submitted to the Bradenton Herald for publication on Saturday. Not sure it’ll make the cut, so here it is for the world… or the two or three of you who read this blog… to see.

Someone asked me recently the following question:

You talked about the Excel spreadsheet method of keeping track of prayer requests during your Sunday school class on having a quiet time. How does it work? I think I’d be happier with my prayer life if it were more organized — especially in regards to praying for people, etc.

The reason I am answering this question publicly is that I’m really interested in what others do to bring some order to their own prayer life. Often, I hesitate to tell someone, “I’ll pray for you” because if I do not write the request down, I will soon forget. (I am such a spiritual giant…!)

To keep track of requests over the years, I’ve tried notebooks, notecards, and sheets of paper with people’s names written at the top and requests below. For a couple of years, I’ve found Excel to be my friend for this purpose.

What I have done is simply use four columns of a simple Excel spreadsheet. In the first column, I list the date that I record a request. I like to keep track of when I begin praying for something. This gives me an idea of how long I’ve been asking God for a particular thing. In the second column, I type the name of the person for whom I am praying. In the third column, I list the request. The fourth column is labeled ‘answers’ and is a place where I can record incremental progress or notes regarding the answer to the request.

I actually have several worksheets set up this way — one for family, one for church, one for non-Christians, and one for general requests. I print each of these out and keep them with my Bible and other things which I use for my quiet time. This way I am not dependent upon the computer for my devotional life.

When requests change, are answered, or need to be added, I can write on what I’ve printed. Periodically this becomes messy. So, I open the spreadsheet, add and update requests and copy those that have been answered to another sheet labeled ‘answers’. I sort my lists by person and then by date. Then I print fresh copies and toss the old.

I know this sounds all so mechanical. But it works for me. I’d love to know what works for others of you.

I thought you might enjoy this from the blog of a college professor…

Best opening line of a paper this semester: “My parents are Christians and I grew up in the convent.” (He meant “Covenant”.)

My nominee for best bumper sticker of the year…

(Seth and I spotted this one on the back of a semi-trailer. We had to get real close in order to read it, of course.)

Discerning readers of nearly anything I write will notice that I have a pronounced preference for putting my punctuation outside of my quotation marks.

My logic in this is that though it is contrary to ordinary American practice, quotation marks should be treated the same way as parentheses. Thus, if the quotation marks enclose an entire sentence (such as in dialog) the punctuation, which belongs to the sentence, should be placed within the quotation marks. If, on the other hand, the quotation marks enclose only a part of the sentence, the marks themselves should be treated as part of the sentence, and the punctuation placed outside the marks.

You don’t care, do you?

I know. It’s pedantic. It is also British. If you would like to know more about this (although you’ve already read more than you ever cared to read) I commend to you the site maintained by Michael Quinion, who is British, and whose weekly newsletter is fascinating. He is an expert on all things English, and quite an entertaining chap to boot.

Click here to go to the site.

Here is an excerpt:

There is a case for consistency within any one publication. But nobody will misunderstand what you write because of where you choose to put your stops relative to quotation marks. A writer who fixes too much attention on the correctness of his punctuation, or a reader who does the same, is missing the point: the job of text is to communicate, not satisfy pedantic rule makers.